5 Good reasons to convert to Christianity

You’ve all heard stories about how great God is, and how much he wants everyone to believe in him. God is like a kindly old man, sitting perched upon a cloud, humming the tune to Coldplays “Fix you”. However, this was not always the way of God. Back in the old days, God was far too busy crushing infidels, setting arsons, and committing grievous homicides too be nice to people. In order for folk’ to remember this time of agony, God set about himself writing the Old Testament, basically to show people how big of a badass he used to be. Some people might try to convince you otherwise, but these are probably the same people who would have you believe the earth is flat, and that abortion doctors will be consumed by eternal flames.  

A lot of Christians will want to try and convert you, telling you about how much God loves you, that he has a plan for everyone, or that heaven is filled with candy and rivers of soda. Well I am going to try a different approach. God might love you, but he loves you in the way a Pimp loves his clientele. If you don’t obey him, he will f##k your sh!t up, you don’t have to take my word for it however. Grab a Bible, flip through a few pages in the Old Testament… Scared yet? You should be. 

Anyway, for those of you too lazy to look up in your own Bible (because you sure as hell better own one) let me give you a few examples. 

#1, Kings 2, 2:23-24

“From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. “Go on up, you baldhead!” they said. ”Go on up, you baldhead!” He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths” 

Read that last sentence again. The bears MAULED 42 youths. When God told people to respect their elders, he wasn’t kidding around. Remember, this is before Jesus died on the cross for the sins of the people, so when children committed such a horrible act as yelling “baldhead” after an adult they should pretty much expect to be bitten to death by bears, their limbs pulled bloodily from their sockets. One could also assume these children were retarded, seeing as how two bears were able to maul 42 youths. When your 23’Th buddy gets torn apart by a savage bear, it might be time to turn tail and run, right? Not in the Old Testament. These kids stood their ground and took it, proving once again that running is for sissies.  

So once we get over the whole murdering of children bit, God seems like quiet a decent chap, doesn’t he? You could always argue that the bears were just out for a walk, and wasn’t summoned by Elisha’s thirst for bloody vengeance at all. Maybe it was all just a big misunderstanding? Well now you stand before a crossroads, either accept that the Old Testament is cropped with exaggerations, or start praying, cause if you don’t, the bears are going to get you! 

#2, Deuteronomy 25: 11-12

“If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by the private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.” 

You want to be a devout Christian? You want to follow the Bible? Well you better start carrying a knife, and not a dull one either. According to the Bible, it should be sharp enough to cut through friggin’ bones! This is where it all gets conflicting. People need rules to live in a society with other people. If you read through the Bible, it’s actually filled with good, sturdy rules, we can, and should live by, even today. Lets look at some examples. 

“Thou shall not kill” That’s good, no one likes a murderer (see the irony here?) 

“Thou shall not tell lies”Also a good rule to live by. 

“If she harms your ding-dong, grab your huge knife, and sever her wrist” Yeah, that seems fair, wait… uh… WHAT? 

That’s not all though, it gets even more confusing, because God also tells us that we should “turn the other cheek” (in this case, ball?). So uhm.. is this before or after we sever her hand at the wrist? Maybe we cut off her hand first, then let her smack us with the other hand, before we cut of that hand as well? At this point however, she might bleed to death (us honest Christians having cut off both her hands and all..) and then we’d become murderers, clearly at odds with “Thou shall not kill” commandment.  

Take a moment to go sharpen your knives, I’ll wait.  

(…) 

These next few verses are my all time favorite Bibel verses, following the life of Samson, God’s chosen judge (at one point) to protect and reign over Israel. You might think God filled his spirit with wisdom and intelligence, but in reality, Samson was like Gods own personal terminator. He most likely had a higher body count then Arnold Schwarzenegger in all his movies combined.  

#3, Judges: 15:15-16

“Finding a fresh jawbone of an ass, he grabbed it and struck down a thousand men. Then Sanson said,  

<<With an ass’s jawbone I have made asses of them. With an ass’s jawboneI have killed a thousand men>>

” For those off you unfamiliar with the old testament, an Ass is really a Donkey, and a Donkey’s jawbone is not a terrible good weapon. Nevertheless with the fury of god in him, Samson was able to ruthlessly slaughter one thousand men. How many times do you think you’d have to hit an adult man with a bone in order to kill him? 5-6? Maybe 7?  

Lets assume 6. Lets also assume Samson got in ONE hit per second (this is actually pretty high, seeing as how his enemies would be able to parry and dodge him). 6 hits then, makes 6 seconds per kill. That’s 6000 seconds, in other words, almost two hours. Imagine that, a single man, filled with Gods spirit, clubbing people savagely to death with a bone for two hours straight.  

“What’s the bid deal?” “You might ask, people kill in the names of their god all the time.“ Well here’s the difference. This guy didn’t kill in the name of his God. God used his body to kill. Have you seen the movie “The Exorcism of Emily Rose”? In that movie, the devil posses a teenage girl, and in the end, kills her. God did something similar with Samson, only a thousand times worse.   

You still don’t want to believe in God? You better start running if you see a man with a bone, that’s for sure. 

In the end however, Samson is captured by his enemies, the Philistines (who by all account lived in Israel, before Gods chosen came running in and started butchering them all). He is chained in a great hall, between two pillars. 

Judges 16, 28-30

“Then Samson called to the LORD and said, “O Lord God, please remember me and please strengthen me just this time, O God, that I may at once be avenged of the Philistines for my two eyes”.Samson grasped the two middle pillars on which the house rested, and braced himself against them, the one with his right hand and the other with his left. And Samson said, “Let me die with the Philistines!” And he bent with all his might, so that the house fell on the lords and all the people who were in it. So the dead whom he killed at his death were more than those whom he killed in his life”

 I’ve read that there were 3000 Philistines in that house (mostly on the roof), making Samson’s death toll as high as between 4000 something and 6000 people throughout his life. That’s more then all the 9/11 hijackers on 11’Th of September, 2001.  It would also appear that God is the master of vengeance, slaughtering 3000 people because they cut out the eyes of Samson on a previous occasion.  

#4: Genesis 7, 1-4

“Then the LORD said to Noah “Enter the ark, you and all your household, for you alone I have seen to be righteous before Me in this time. You shall take with you of every clean animal, by sevens, a male, and his female, and of the animals that are not clean two, a male and his female. Also of the birds of the sky, by sevens, male and female, to keep offspring alive on the face of the earth. For after seven more days I will send rain on the earth, forty days and forty nights, and I will blot out from the face of the land every living thing that I have made.“ 

God tells us that children are innocent (is this before or after bears butcher them?), just not innocent enough to be saved in the ark. Sure they can come, and if they don’t.. Drown em’. This is another classic example of why god is a badass and if you value your life you should follow him. This guy has no qualms about drowning an earth filled with people. Don’t worry though, there were fewer people back then.. So he probably only killed a couple of millions. No worse then Hitler.   

And the people did have a choice in the matter, they just chose not to follow God, so they deserve to die. Imagine a man sticking a gun in your face and telling you that either you start worshipping him as your god, or he will blow your brain out through your eye socket. You DO have a choice, just not a very good one. A simple equation might help you understand. 

God > Moral, value, rules, common sense.  

Follow God = Saved from drowning

Don’t follow God = Well, you can always try swimming 

#5: Gensis 19, 24-26

“Then the LORD rained on Sodom and Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of the heaven, and he overthrew those cities and all the valley and all the inhabitants of the cities, and what grew on the ground. But his wife from behind him looked back, and she became a pillar of salt” 

I can’t stress this hard enough. If you kid around with God he will own your ass. This guy pretty much killed a woman, a real living, breathing woman, with a family, and children, for looking over her shoulder, when he told her not to. I am not kidding here people, if the bears or the guy with the giant bone* wont get you, the salt will.  Lets take a moment to reflect here. Sodom and Gomorrah were two pretty large cities. God told Abraham he would save these two cities if he could find a grand total of 10 innocent souls in them. God also tells us children are innocent, because they do not know any better. Wait, stop. Are you telling me in two major cities Abraham could not round up 10 kids? What kind of a guy was this? In his defense though, he was a couple of hundred years old at this time, so his vision might have started failing him a bit. 

All this time reading the Old Testament has left me a wee bit depressed though, so I think I’ll go do something a bit less gory now, like watching 300, or play Grand Theft Auto.   

Comments are welcome J 

*The guy with the giant bone may or may not be Gods attempt at a penis joke.

Sources:

The Holy Bible

~ by vegarsworld on January 11, 2008.